The OC: The Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvakkah (episode 10)

Previously: a car hits Johnny. And we reach waaay back and Seth meets Summer's dad.

Our gang of four buys Johnny a tree at a tree farm, since his mom is absentee again and they'll be no Christmas for Johnny this year without Marissa. I'm in Southern California right now and the trees are MAD EXPENSIVE, like $90. I could only imagine how much a tree costs in Newport. They go to Johnny's house where he's moping around. He just heard that although the doctor can do the operation soon, mom's insurance wouldn’t cover it. But hey, at least he liked the tree.

The nostalgia music starts playing as Kirsten waxes about this being their last Chrismukkah with the boys. It's also her first Chrismukkah without her father. Sandy tries to comfort her. They get all moony.

The gang tries to figure out how to help Johnny (Chili is gone again, this time Costa Rica. for someone who goes to public school, he sure takes a lot of vacations). Summer is usually the idea queen, but can't think of anything. She feels bad too--"Slight build, on crutches, he's like our own Tiny Tim."

Seth gets an idea! Why not have a bar mitzvah for Ryan? Though Ryan isn't Jewish and has no interest in converting, Johnny could use the cash that everyone will dole out. And since it's almost Christmas and Hanukkah, they decide to call it the Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvakkah. I'm going to call it CMB because I don't want to write Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvakkah anymore.

Summer's house. Summer tries to talk to her dad about having more holiday spirit. He seems to be grumpy because he's always bogged down with work. Summer's stepmonster is out of town, getting "centered" for the new year.

At the OC Trailer Park, Julie is hanging out in a tank top, black bra, and acid washed jean skirt. Oh, did I mention she's spitting chewing tobaccy into a can? There's a knock at the door. "No Gus. I won't come over even if you are deep frying a ham." but it's Kirsten. Kirsten asks why Julie hasn't seen Marissa in a while. It's because she's embarrassed to be living in a trailer park instead of a swank condo by the beach, and they have no money. Let the convincing begin!

Seth and the gang ask the Cohens if they can have a CMB fundraiser for their friend Johnny. Sandy is skeptical, but Kirsten soothes things over by just deciding to hijack the Newport Christmas party, give to the whole hospital instead of one kid, and have it near the end of the night. Bada-bing, problem solved.

Marissa tells Johnny that they are going to throw a fundraiser for his operation, called the CMB. Johnny gets upset, saying he doesn't want to be anyone's charity case.

Seth is all over this CMB idea, since his own Bar Mitzvah was a disaster. It was the same day as Luke's kick-ass paintball party, so none of the kids in his class came. Somehow I doubt they would have come anyway because Seth wasn't popular-ever- but let him have his fantasy.

Julie and Kirsten go to the hospital to get the administrator involved in the fundraiser. He's conveniently out of town as well (maybe he's Chili's dad), but they do get a hold of Dr. Roberts. Julie is like, "You're Dr. Roberts?" and he quips, "Yes. Your daughter is living in my house while your condo is being made over." Julie's embarrassed, but still hits Dr. Roberts up for cash. He says he'll be glad to donate on the hospital's behalf.

Seth's in front of the TV at home, watching "What If I Threw a Bar Mitzvah and Nobody Came?" The camera work is pretty good at his Bar Mitzvah; they do a slow push in to really capture his complaining and kvetching about how pathetic it all is. Ryan bursts in, and the conversation switches to Ryan's nervousness about doing the CMB reading. But he has to leave to meet Marissa at the diner.

The diner. Marissa is already there, but she runs into Johnny outside, talking in hushed tones with a random guy and making some sort of deal. The guy leaves, Marissa and Johnny start talking, and he has a semi-breakdown. Ryan shows up. Marissa isn't there, but he goes down the pier and spots Marissa and Johnny hugging. Ooh, scandal! He already knows Johnny likes Marissa. Johnny may just get a season's beating!

Instead, Ryan goes back home and decides to back out of the CMB because of what Marissa was doing with Johnny. Sandy gets mad and tells him he HAS to do the right thing, because that's what being an adult is all about. Because as we all know, being an adult is doing plenty of things we hate for people we also hate.

Julie's trailer of fun. Kirsten comes over to try and get Julie to come to the fundraiser party. Kirsten won't go because she can't face Marissa. After Kirsten pleads that Julie needs to see her daughter, Julie still feels sorry for herself and won't go.

Later, Ryan tries to be standoffish to Marissa but she outmaneuvers him by being honest about what went down at the pier with Johnny. Ryan accuses Marissa about helping troubled, brooding loners like they're baby birds. "But some of them turn out to be good guys." she says with a wink, meaning Ryan is one of those guys. But if you include Oliver and Trey on that list, she's 1 for 3. Let's hope Johnny doesn't own a gun.

While manipulating Ryan, Marissa sweet-talks him into going over to Johnny's because she's worried he might be "up to something." Ryan does as the mistress commands. Johnny's mom is there for a change! She lets him in to wait in Johnny's room. Johnny is in the shower, so it gives Ryan a chance to pull a Veronica Mars and snoop around. Backpack, books, underwear...damn! Nothing good. Johnny gets out of the bathroom. Ryan convinces Johnny to come to the CMB. It’s a fundraiser for the hospital, and they're respecting J's wishes and not getting him involved. After Ryan leaves, Johnny immediately looks behind his backpack and makes sure his LOADED GUN is still there. Uh oh.

Julie has a change of heart and goes to Summer's house to talk with Marissa. M's already left for the CMB fundraiser, but Dr. Roberts invites her in for a drink. Julie finally confesses that her condo isn't being made over; she's in a trailer. Dr. Roberts admits his wife isn't just out of town; they're on the verge of divorce. Julie perks up, but manages to say, "I'm sooo sorry" while envisioning being Summer's new stepmonster. They talk about "remodeling lives" and they drink to that. Julie says, "Do you want to go to a party?"

Newport Christmas Party, CMB. Johnny comes after all. Ryan instructs Marissa to keep an eye on him, and she promptly loses sight of him. You'd think a hobbling teenager with feathered bangs would be easy to track, but no! So three seconds before Ryan has to take the stage for the speech, Marissa tells him she lost Johnny, so he runs out to the parking lot just in time to see Johnny peel out in a car. Ryan gives chase. What about the CMB? Stall, of course! Seth tells the story of Chanukah to the disinterested gentiles in the room. He does enlist Summer as Judah Macabee and Marissa as the miraculous oil, to their dismay.

Johnny stops his car at a mini mart. He walks in and looks as suspicious as possible while he places his hand on his gun. Smelling suspicion, the mini mart manager also reaches for his gun under the counter, just in case. So Johnny's big plan is to rob a mini mart to pay for his surgery! Real brilliant, considering he'd get about 200 bucks, tops. Plus he'd probably get caught and thrown in jail. Johnny and his pretty boy looks wouldn't last five minutes in juvie. Before this all gets real ugly, Ryan steps in and asks to buy a lottery ticket and a pack of Marlboros. Then he pulls Johnny aside and says that it's a "bad idea" to rob the convenience store and since he understands Johnny, he should let the rich people help him. It's not so bad. Become a Stepford Clone, Johnny! Do it! After a second of soul searching, Johnny decides to leave the gun where it is. Good thing too, as we hear the mini mart door jingle and two of Newport's finest walk through. Disaster averted. In retrospect, it would've been much cooler if Ryan bought a pack of "Newports."

Back at the CBM. Seth and Sandy are doing a rendition of "dreidel dreidel dreidel" which is not playing to the Newport crowd very well. Summer and Marissa start singing, "jingle bells" and that gets the crowd on its feet. Just then Ryan comes in, and saves the CMB single-handedly. Though I guess anything's better than the trainwreck they just witnessed.

After the reading, everyone starts dancing and having a good time. Summer's dad even shows up with Julie Cooper! At this rate, she's going to be related to everyone on this show. We have yet to see Ryan's father, so there's still time for him to show up as a millionaire so Julie can be Julie Cooper-Nichol-Roberts-Atwood.

Next week: no episode! But in 2K6 we're guaranteed to get someone to stir the pot a bit in the OC. Marissa's private school going, alopecia horse loving sister Caitlin comes back, all growed up and hitting on Johnny!