Ten ways to fix the OC

Lately I've been disappointed with the OC. It just hasn't held the same magic for me as I watch Marissa yammer on and on about her problems, Ryan brooding and punching people out, Summer, Seth and their goofy hijinks which are resolved at the end of every episode. Then I thought, "Well, I am three years older, maybe I'm just too mature for the show...nah. I still love watching 90210 and Melrose Place repeats. Then I got the first season of the OC on DVD for Christmas, and the magic still held! But to keep my love, the creators should watch the first season again and use it to get the show back on track:

1) Keep Julie Cooper rich: Julie's at her best conniving and using her money to her advantage. When she was the snooty member of the Newport society keeping the dregs of society from her daughter (Ryan) we knew it was because she wanted to get away from her trailer park roots. Since she's lost her money twice in three years, she does seem more human, but not as bitchy. I'd rather see her a rich, bored trophy wife than starting her own business (again!)

2) Keep the revolving door of characters at a minimum: Starting with Oliver, the creators of the OC seem to put forgettable characters on the show just to advance the plots of the "A" characters. One of the latest was Dean Hess. He was a one-note villain who was a vehicle to separate Ryan and Marissa, then--poof! Magically gone! Some new characters have little or no long-term effects on the old ones that you wonder why they even came on the show: Rebecca, Lindsay, Zach, and Charlotte are prime examples. So...

3) ...If the door revolves, keep them inside: Luke started out as a roadblock between Ryan and Marissa's relationship. But he eventually became friends with Ryan and Seth (the Rooney concert in season one was one of the best examples of this). Same with Anna who was Seth's short-term love interest. Everyone liked her and she was different than Marissa and Summer. A good way to incorporate a character would be Alex, who dated Seth, Ryan (one date) and Marissa. They could have just had her stay friends with all of them and continue as bartendress at the Bait Shop. Then she could've been a combination of Sam Malone from Cheers and Valerie Malone on 90210...the social confidante, and would tell them about the hottest indie bands at the Bait Shop. Hey, their names ar both Malone. That's awesome.

4) Make Ryan a fish out of water again: The first season was about how life in the OC was a different type of jungle for Ryan. He was trying to navigate through this world with Seth as his tour guide who didn't fit in either, leading to all sorts of entertaining jams. Somehow, in three short years Ryan's gone from wifebeaters, smoking, and anger issues to range rovers, cell phones, and polo shirts. Even the Fresh Prince of Bel Air was more realistic than this.

5) Consistency in the adult's lives: Not total consistency, but you know. Keeping Kirsten as head of the Newport Group would have been a good idea, and keeping Sandy as a public defender for a few years could've been mined for stories with court trials and helping the helpless. So far, Kirsten has been a housing developer, CFO of the Newport Group, newspaper publisher and now she's going to run a dating service. Sandy has been a public defender, partner in a Newport Group law firm, part owner of the Lighthouse restaurant, owner of his own law firm, and now he's running the Newport Group. Julie went from Newport housewife to CEO to newspaper editor, and now she's working with Kirsten. Now 90210's Jim Walsh: once an accountant, always an accountant.

6) Back to school: This year, Harbor's only been a backdrop for their drama, and not THE drama. It was nice that this season's Taylor Townsend actually forced them to show up to a school function once in a while. Seth is apparently good at school, but it must be all osmosis since he never cracks a book unless its to further the plot. How do the kids study in the OC? They should meet some study partners, do some fundraising, go on some field trips...throw me a frickin' bone!

7) Don't introduce any more family members: After Marissa's little sis Caitlin is re-introduced, no more! They've worked maybe 40% of the time. Seth's nana? Yes. Summer's dad? no. Ryan's mom? Yes. Ryan's brother Trey? no. Kirsten's sis Hailey? hell no. Last time I checked, 40% is a failing grade.

8) Don't allow Jimmy to come back: we've gone to the well too many times for that one. Though I like watching Jimmy getting beat down.

9) Let their be parties! Since Ryan punched Luke out, kids have been partying like bitches in the OC. More parties mean more drama. Last year, Trey was almost sent back to jail for the girl OD'ing in the pool! My heart almost stopped when I saw how the debauchery could've ruined all their young lives. That kind of danger is something I'm looking for every week.

10) Replace the cast with robots.

The OC: Summary of the first 4 episodes

Clamoring to know how season 3 began? well, read a recap of the first four episodes!

The Aftermath (episode 1)
The Shape Of Things To Come (episode 2)
The End Of Innocence (Episode 3)
The Last Waltz (episode 4)

Last season, Ryan went to smack down his brother Trey who tried to rape his sometime girlfriend Marissa. In the melee, Trey got the upper hand and tried to kill Ryan with a telephone (it was a really old phone, not a cordless or a cell). Before he could deliver the death blow, Marissa got hold of Trey’s gun and shot him.

Apparently, they rushed Trey to the hospital and he lived, albeit in a coma. They didn’t know who actually did the shooting: they won’t prosecute Marissa, though, because she was protecting Ryan. Rich +white=not guilty. Unfortunately since Ryan’s prints are also on the gun and he has a motive (revenge against his brother for attacking his girlfriend), he could have shot him. Rich-white=guilty. Once Trey wakes up from his soap opera coma, Julie tries to pay him 20K to put the blame on Ryan for shooting him. She doesn’t want Marissa to suffer and not get into a good college. After Marissa talks to Trey, he signs a confession that Marissa shot him, and leaves town. Comas are so restful! But not before he and Ryan share a longing look at each other as the greyhound bus leaves town for parts unknown.

Newport parents petition to keep Ryan and Marissa out of school since they are “dangerous.” The verdict: Ryan gets to stay, Marissa has to go. They try to appeal to the new character Dean Hess (played by Eric Mabius, a former classmate of mine) to let her come back, but the assy Dean is such a jerk he goads Marissa into admitting that in regards to the shooting she has “no remorse” and “would do it again in a second.” Wow. Now that there’s no social chair, a perky Nazi-like cutie named Taylor Townsend decides to take over. Summer won’t let that happen, there’s a power play over planning a carnival that Summer wins. At said carnival, Ryan brings Marissa. Mean Dean tries to throw Marissa out since she’s not a student. Ryan goes apeshit and punches out the dean. Now he’s expelled too!

Meanwhile, Taylor wrestles control of the social committee from Summer and forces her to work on projects with her dorky boyfriend, Seth. While both school-less, Ryan and Marissa finally do it at the beach. Which was a surprise since I thought they did it years ago.

But all is not lost. Ryan gets homeschooled and Marissa goes to…gasp…public school! Where everyone is afraid of the skinny girl who shoots people! They call her “Newport Barbie” which is inaccurate since Barbie has breasts and a waist. Anyhow, she does make some friends—Casey (aka “Summer”) Chili (aka “Seth”) and Johnny (aka “Ryan”).

Reading of the will. Julie expects a big payoff since Caleb died last season, and they were married at least a year, beating the prenup. Jimmy’s excited, because he gets Julie back AND he can pay off some debts. And we see some sleazy guys who want the cash. Unfortunately, Caleb was bankrupt when he died and Julie doesn’t get a dime. Jimmy gets something, though: beaten up. He leaves town before he marries Julie again. So on top of losing her husband, and her ex-husband, the bank seizes everything she owns. Marissa moves in with Summer and Julie moves to a sleazy hotel.


While in rehab for her drinking problem, Kirsten picks up a friend named Charlotte (who is played by Jeri Ryan, the chick who played the Borg on Star Trek: Voyager). Kirsten almost makes it home on several occasions, but Charlotte manipulates her into staying at rehab longer, then at Charlotte’s family cabin in the woods. Just as its about to get sexy, Kirsten decides to go home. Later we learn that it’s not Char’s cabin after all! Charlotte is a con artist who isn’t really a drunk. Why she’s in rehab we have no idea. She appears in Newport and tries to get Kirsten to invest in a “post-rehab spa” but finds out Kirsten’s dad didn’t leave her any money.

Summer is still under Taylor T’s thrall. While doing her bidding, Summer sees Taylor making out with someone in the shadows. Is it Dean Hess?

OC News-Changes on the way...

I just read in USA today that the character Anna is coming back to the OC! Yep, Seth's girlfriend from season 1 with the love triangle will be back from Pittsburgh. Woo hoo! I always liked her. Most characters they have now on the OC are boring. Johnny...snoozer! I liked where they were going with Marissa hanging out with the Newport Public school kids, but it took a wrong turn somewhere. I guess Ryan is getting a new love interest too. Thank god! I'm beginning to wonder why Marissa and Ryan are together. They're also going to be looking at colleges on the show. The creator doesn't want them to not do "real" college, which means no California University or University of California at Newport...waah!

The OC: The Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvakkah (episode 10)

Previously: a car hits Johnny. And we reach waaay back and Seth meets Summer's dad.

Our gang of four buys Johnny a tree at a tree farm, since his mom is absentee again and they'll be no Christmas for Johnny this year without Marissa. I'm in Southern California right now and the trees are MAD EXPENSIVE, like $90. I could only imagine how much a tree costs in Newport. They go to Johnny's house where he's moping around. He just heard that although the doctor can do the operation soon, mom's insurance wouldn’t cover it. But hey, at least he liked the tree.

The nostalgia music starts playing as Kirsten waxes about this being their last Chrismukkah with the boys. It's also her first Chrismukkah without her father. Sandy tries to comfort her. They get all moony.

The gang tries to figure out how to help Johnny (Chili is gone again, this time Costa Rica. for someone who goes to public school, he sure takes a lot of vacations). Summer is usually the idea queen, but can't think of anything. She feels bad too--"Slight build, on crutches, he's like our own Tiny Tim."

Seth gets an idea! Why not have a bar mitzvah for Ryan? Though Ryan isn't Jewish and has no interest in converting, Johnny could use the cash that everyone will dole out. And since it's almost Christmas and Hanukkah, they decide to call it the Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvakkah. I'm going to call it CMB because I don't want to write Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvakkah anymore.

Summer's house. Summer tries to talk to her dad about having more holiday spirit. He seems to be grumpy because he's always bogged down with work. Summer's stepmonster is out of town, getting "centered" for the new year.

At the OC Trailer Park, Julie is hanging out in a tank top, black bra, and acid washed jean skirt. Oh, did I mention she's spitting chewing tobaccy into a can? There's a knock at the door. "No Gus. I won't come over even if you are deep frying a ham." but it's Kirsten. Kirsten asks why Julie hasn't seen Marissa in a while. It's because she's embarrassed to be living in a trailer park instead of a swank condo by the beach, and they have no money. Let the convincing begin!

Seth and the gang ask the Cohens if they can have a CMB fundraiser for their friend Johnny. Sandy is skeptical, but Kirsten soothes things over by just deciding to hijack the Newport Christmas party, give to the whole hospital instead of one kid, and have it near the end of the night. Bada-bing, problem solved.

Marissa tells Johnny that they are going to throw a fundraiser for his operation, called the CMB. Johnny gets upset, saying he doesn't want to be anyone's charity case.

Seth is all over this CMB idea, since his own Bar Mitzvah was a disaster. It was the same day as Luke's kick-ass paintball party, so none of the kids in his class came. Somehow I doubt they would have come anyway because Seth wasn't popular-ever- but let him have his fantasy.

Julie and Kirsten go to the hospital to get the administrator involved in the fundraiser. He's conveniently out of town as well (maybe he's Chili's dad), but they do get a hold of Dr. Roberts. Julie is like, "You're Dr. Roberts?" and he quips, "Yes. Your daughter is living in my house while your condo is being made over." Julie's embarrassed, but still hits Dr. Roberts up for cash. He says he'll be glad to donate on the hospital's behalf.

Seth's in front of the TV at home, watching "What If I Threw a Bar Mitzvah and Nobody Came?" The camera work is pretty good at his Bar Mitzvah; they do a slow push in to really capture his complaining and kvetching about how pathetic it all is. Ryan bursts in, and the conversation switches to Ryan's nervousness about doing the CMB reading. But he has to leave to meet Marissa at the diner.

The diner. Marissa is already there, but she runs into Johnny outside, talking in hushed tones with a random guy and making some sort of deal. The guy leaves, Marissa and Johnny start talking, and he has a semi-breakdown. Ryan shows up. Marissa isn't there, but he goes down the pier and spots Marissa and Johnny hugging. Ooh, scandal! He already knows Johnny likes Marissa. Johnny may just get a season's beating!

Instead, Ryan goes back home and decides to back out of the CMB because of what Marissa was doing with Johnny. Sandy gets mad and tells him he HAS to do the right thing, because that's what being an adult is all about. Because as we all know, being an adult is doing plenty of things we hate for people we also hate.

Julie's trailer of fun. Kirsten comes over to try and get Julie to come to the fundraiser party. Kirsten won't go because she can't face Marissa. After Kirsten pleads that Julie needs to see her daughter, Julie still feels sorry for herself and won't go.

Later, Ryan tries to be standoffish to Marissa but she outmaneuvers him by being honest about what went down at the pier with Johnny. Ryan accuses Marissa about helping troubled, brooding loners like they're baby birds. "But some of them turn out to be good guys." she says with a wink, meaning Ryan is one of those guys. But if you include Oliver and Trey on that list, she's 1 for 3. Let's hope Johnny doesn't own a gun.

While manipulating Ryan, Marissa sweet-talks him into going over to Johnny's because she's worried he might be "up to something." Ryan does as the mistress commands. Johnny's mom is there for a change! She lets him in to wait in Johnny's room. Johnny is in the shower, so it gives Ryan a chance to pull a Veronica Mars and snoop around. Backpack, books, underwear...damn! Nothing good. Johnny gets out of the bathroom. Ryan convinces Johnny to come to the CMB. It’s a fundraiser for the hospital, and they're respecting J's wishes and not getting him involved. After Ryan leaves, Johnny immediately looks behind his backpack and makes sure his LOADED GUN is still there. Uh oh.

Julie has a change of heart and goes to Summer's house to talk with Marissa. M's already left for the CMB fundraiser, but Dr. Roberts invites her in for a drink. Julie finally confesses that her condo isn't being made over; she's in a trailer. Dr. Roberts admits his wife isn't just out of town; they're on the verge of divorce. Julie perks up, but manages to say, "I'm sooo sorry" while envisioning being Summer's new stepmonster. They talk about "remodeling lives" and they drink to that. Julie says, "Do you want to go to a party?"

Newport Christmas Party, CMB. Johnny comes after all. Ryan instructs Marissa to keep an eye on him, and she promptly loses sight of him. You'd think a hobbling teenager with feathered bangs would be easy to track, but no! So three seconds before Ryan has to take the stage for the speech, Marissa tells him she lost Johnny, so he runs out to the parking lot just in time to see Johnny peel out in a car. Ryan gives chase. What about the CMB? Stall, of course! Seth tells the story of Chanukah to the disinterested gentiles in the room. He does enlist Summer as Judah Macabee and Marissa as the miraculous oil, to their dismay.

Johnny stops his car at a mini mart. He walks in and looks as suspicious as possible while he places his hand on his gun. Smelling suspicion, the mini mart manager also reaches for his gun under the counter, just in case. So Johnny's big plan is to rob a mini mart to pay for his surgery! Real brilliant, considering he'd get about 200 bucks, tops. Plus he'd probably get caught and thrown in jail. Johnny and his pretty boy looks wouldn't last five minutes in juvie. Before this all gets real ugly, Ryan steps in and asks to buy a lottery ticket and a pack of Marlboros. Then he pulls Johnny aside and says that it's a "bad idea" to rob the convenience store and since he understands Johnny, he should let the rich people help him. It's not so bad. Become a Stepford Clone, Johnny! Do it! After a second of soul searching, Johnny decides to leave the gun where it is. Good thing too, as we hear the mini mart door jingle and two of Newport's finest walk through. Disaster averted. In retrospect, it would've been much cooler if Ryan bought a pack of "Newports."

Back at the CBM. Seth and Sandy are doing a rendition of "dreidel dreidel dreidel" which is not playing to the Newport crowd very well. Summer and Marissa start singing, "jingle bells" and that gets the crowd on its feet. Just then Ryan comes in, and saves the CMB single-handedly. Though I guess anything's better than the trainwreck they just witnessed.

After the reading, everyone starts dancing and having a good time. Summer's dad even shows up with Julie Cooper! At this rate, she's going to be related to everyone on this show. We have yet to see Ryan's father, so there's still time for him to show up as a millionaire so Julie can be Julie Cooper-Nichol-Roberts-Atwood.

Next week: no episode! But in 2K6 we're guaranteed to get someone to stir the pot a bit in the OC. Marissa's private school going, alopecia horse loving sister Caitlin comes back, all growed up and hitting on Johnny!

The OC: The Disconnect (episode 9)

Summer gets a 2300 on the SAT's! (At first I thought Summer was being extra dumb since 2300 is way too high, but I heard the SAT's now total 2400 and not 1600). Seth is surprised, and a lot jealous!

Marissa is taking care of Johnny since Johnny's mom is AWOL and Chili is nowhere to be found. Later Johnny's mom comes home and has Good news...Mom gets an appointment with a sports medicine doctor, the best around. He can do Johnny's knee surgery. But the Bad news...since Johnny is poor; he has to wait months before he'll see Johnny. Marissa decides to work a little magic for Johnny.

Julie and Kirsten talk about the business to open together. They settle on a catering business. Sounds great.

With Summer's newly found brains, she decides "maybe Brown is the place for me after all" and tells Seth about it. Seth is reading Kierkegaard and she settles down to read it with him. "Now that I'm smart, I'm sure I'll enjoy it."

Sandy and Matt have a business meeting at the Cohen Compound. Ryan is hanging around, and makes some insightful comments about a low-income structure they are going to build (continuity: Ryan is interested in architecture and stuff), so Matt offers him an internship at the Newport Group.

Marissa does some internet digging and finds out that her mom sat on the charity board at the hospital and Summer's dad works for the same hospital. Maybe she'll pull some strings to get Johnny a little closer to knee surgery? And should she be using a laptop so soon after last week's freakout? While this is happening, Johnny tells Summer he likes all the attention Marissa is showering on him; he's really starting to like her like her! Summer called it like two episodes ago!

Summer tries to talk Marissa into not spending so much time with Johnny being his nursemaid. Marissa scoffs at this and says she LOVES doing things for Johnny since his mom is away all the time. Then Marissa says, "I like being a nursemaid. Maybe I should be a nurse!" Summer snorts, "Yeah, that's a good one."

Julie and Kirsten have a business lunch. Julie looks bored, and Kirsten is annoyed that Julie looks bored. While Kirsten goes to the car to get some papers, a cute guy gives Julie the eye. She uses her feminine wiles to get a client for 5 grand! Kirsten is really impressed.

Harbor. Seth and Summer go to the Brown hopefuls meeting. They learn that typically only one student from Harbor gets into Brown. Seth is upset that Summer may get into Brown and he might not, though he's had a dream of going there ever since two weeks ago.

Marissa pulls the right strings and gets Johnny an appointment for the knee surgery! Johnny's mom wants to celebrate by playing board games and watching movies. Marissa is all in, but she's supposed to meet Ryan for dinner. She calls him to join them.

Newport Group Global Headquarters. Ryan and Matt bond over paperwork. Matt starts yammering about how his girlfriend dumped him when he moved out to the OC, even when he asked her to marry him. So he's really sad-distracted. Just then Sandy comes in and dumps a ton of work on Matt that has to be done in the morning for some very important clients! So how does Matt handle the pressure...a coffee run? Only if you replace the word "coffee" with "stripper." Matt takes Ryan to the cleanest strip club ever. Matt even gets Ryan inside by paying off the bouncer! But Ryan is having a terrible time. I guess he's only attracted to girls that look like the poles the strippers are dancing on.

Speaking of Marissa, she's sleeping with Johnny! Well, they're asleep next to each other after watching some movies.

Seth and Summer decide to compete to get into Brown. Seth, by hilariously becoming the school mascot (Harbor Pirate--arrr!) and Summer playing the tuba. I wish I were kidding. Seth and Summer get into it, saying they need more extracurriculars to get into Brown. Yeah, because Brown would never admit Summer with her interim social chair status AND her ability to pay full tuition, or Seth, who almost creating a friggin' comic book company last year AND pay full tuition.

Newport Group Big Meeting with VIP's. Matt oversleeps and is totally unprepared. He blows the meeting, and scurries out, embarrassed. Sandy tracks him down to the strip club and promptly fires Matt. Not because he bungled the meeting, or because he dragged Ryan to a strip club, but because he was lied to. Ooh, feel the burn!

Julie and Kirsten cater the party for the 5 grand guy. When they get to his house, it's just him...no party! Turns out he wanted a date with Julie...and he was willing to pay 5 grand for it. Kirsten is offended and leaves, but Julie stays, thinking it's "sweet." No Julie, it's prostitution. Then again, she was married to Caleb Nichol (zing!)

While playing nursemaid, Johnny takes too many painkillers and slurring, tells Marissa he loves her. She's freaked out over it, but still wants to stay friends with Johnny. Summer thinks she should stay away from him. Marissa thinks she can handle it.

Post-Date analysis. Julie thinks 5 grand guy is gross and won't go out with him again. But it does give Kirsten an idea for a business...a high end dating service! Crappy, but better than the catering service.

One of the strippers stops by the Newport Group and persuades Sandy to give Matt another chance. "He's been under a lot of pressure, his girlfriend dumped him...blah blah blah." She's believable because not only is she a stripper, she's Matt's college buddy AND is paying for law school by sitting in laps and dancing! Smart woman, obviously. Sandy goes into Matt's office and basically gives him another chance. Sandy does have a soft spot for troubled kids.

Seth and Summer form a truce from ridiculous extracurriculars. They'll just both try to get into Brown and hope for the best.

Marissa and Ryan finally talk to each other about their crazy weekends. Ryan at a strip club, Marissa with Johnny. I don't know about you, but I know which one I want to hear about less.

Next week: Another Chrismukkah Miracle!

OC News-Caitlin Cooper returns!

I heard recently that Marissa's long lost sister Caitlin is coming back from boarding school to quote "stir up trouble" in the OC. She's supposedly a mini-Julie Cooper. I think they need some character that's bad to the bone, Julie ain't cutting it anymore, and Summer and Seth are a comedy duo every episode. She apparently has boobs and is going to try and get in Johnny's pants. That should be interesting. She's 14 too. The last time we saw her I think she was nine, but that's ok. Time compression and all.

The OC: The Game Plan (episode 8)

Yep, it’s college fever!

We see the kids talking to their guidance counselors. Seth wants an east coast school because it’s all snooty and intellectual, while Summer wants Arizona or California where its fun and you can wear shorts year round. Seth wants sweaters and fall. Summer wants summer...all year round. Ryan is all, “uh…” and Marissa is all sulky because of the inconvenient shooting of Ryan’s bro last year. She thinks no college will want an attempted murderess at their school in the fall.

Ryan is all “uh…” about college because the OC is finally becoming like home to him. Although this does go against him wanting to leave Newport three weeks ago on a fishing boat. Or going to jail to help Marissa avoid prosecution. Or the premise of the ENTIRE SHOW. Ryan “fish out of water” Atwood is at a loss when it comes to picking out a college!

Kirsten and Julie yack at the condo. As the story goes, Charlotte made amends with her dad and is going to see him. Hmmm…does Kirsten fall for this story? Who cares, because later Julie gets evicted from her swank condo and she moves to…wait for it...a trailer park. Ever hear of “the circle of life” Jules?

Taylor Townsend, who happens to be working in the guidance counselor’s office and is privy to all sorts of private files, is smug when she tells Summer that Seth is applying to Brown… and she’s going to sorority-village in Arizona. That means the end of their little romance. And who will be there to pick up the pieces? Taylor, since Taylor is applying to Brown too! Ooh, burn!

Ryan and Johnny “persuade” Marissa to see a guidance counselor about going to college, which she does grudgingly. Meanwhile, Summer confronts Seth about the fact that their lists of schools do not match up. Does this mean they’re breaking up?

Sandy wants Seth to go to Berkeley desperately. Seth only has eyes for east coast schools (who can blame him, really?) so he calls in a favor—his old friend Paul Glass who’s now on the admissions board. And guess who’s coming to dinner? By the way, Paul Glass is black—get it? Guess who’s…oh, never mind.

Summer goes to the guidance counselor. He doesn’t think she’ll have a problem getting into any school since she’s got great grades and kick-ass extracurriculars. But she’s worried about the fat expulsion on her permanent record. I still don’t understand how they can expel Marissa since the shooting took place off campus, but I digress. The guidance counselor soothes Marissa by telling her to confront her issues head on or she’ll never get over them. In other words, write it in your college entrance essays! They eat that shit up! Because hey, if you can’t fix it, feature it.


Since Kirsten is bored out of her mind staying home, she pulls a Nancy Drew and starts following Julie to see what she’s up to. She’s been very cagey lately, and not hanging out with the Newpsies. She drives by the infamous trailer park in Newport (which is pretty nice, by the way) and sees Julie moving in. feeling bad, she has lunch with Julie a few days later and suggests that they go into business together. Julie hems and haws and finally comes clean about Charlotte’s fake charity scam, and how she almost was a part of it. Kirsten is horrified and storms away upset.

Marissa tries to write her college essay, but keeps getting writer’s block. Hey, maybe I should write the essay for her! Let’s see…“After I was social chair, I developed an alcohol problem, then tried to overdose on pills. Later, after my mom had sex with my boyfriend, I dated my mom’s pool boy and had a lesbian fling…” Back to Marissa. She has flashbacks from Trey trying to rape her, to the shooting, to the blood on his lips, until she can’t take it anymore and sweeps the laptop off the table and starts crying.

Seth and Summer continue to argue about schools, realizing that they are both moving in different directions. Summer is really agitated, Seth wants to go with the flow and see where they end up next year.

Later, Johnny tries to cheer Marissa up by inviting her to Surf-fest 2005 or something. While they hang out, Ryan finds her and asks what she’s doing there. She mentally retorts, “not writing my essay, obviously.” She just argues with Ryan. Johnny tries to step in and explain to Ryan that “he knows what she’s going through” which really makes his blood boil. But instead of letting his fists fly, he walks away! Marissa stares with indecision, but Johnny runs across the street to try and explain what he meant. Suddenly a car whizzes by and knocks Johnny into the air! Ryan and Marissa race over to help. Hmm. He really should have looked both ways before crossing the street.

At the hospital, Johnny is ok. He’ll just need knee surgery. But there goes his opportunity to be the best Surfer at Surf-fest! The drama!

Taylor Townsend drops by Summer’s house. Not to gloat! But to help Summer with her Seth-distance woes: she should apply to Providence College! Not as hard to get into as Brown, but still fun, and there are plenty of sororities and fraternities to turn her into a Stepford College Student! And it’s sunny and pretty at least three months out of the year…sure it’s when she’ll be back in Newport, but that’s not the point. She’ll be with Seth! Summer wonders aloud why Taylor Townsend is being nice all of the sudden. Taylor Townsend admits she doesn’t have a chance in hell with Seth, so she would rather have them both as friends! I think our little girl is growing up.

Black Paul Glass comes to dinner at Casa Cohen. He and Sandy laugh over good times at Berkeley, thoroughly boring everyone in the room to death. The phone rings and Kirsten knocks over the boys racing to the kitchen to answer the phone. Suddenly Paul Glass asks the boys a random question: "What do you call a black man flying a plane?" Ryan and Seth look uncomfortable. "A pilot, you freaking racist!" Paul Glass exclaims, and Sandy laughs like a hyena. The boys laugh nervously.

Kirsten missed the phone call, but the answering machine picked it up: It’s Julie, apologizing for almost scamming her. Kirsten decides then and there to race over to the trailer park and have a heart to heart with Julie.

Meanwhile, Summer comes over and has her own heart to heart with Seth. She’s worried that Seth will leave her for someone smarter once he gets to Brown. Seth thinks she’s crazy, since he’ll never get anyone as hot as she is. They decide to give their relationship a shot in Providence.

Marissa is with Johnny in the hospital. She feels bad about the accident, but Johnny puts it into perspective: you can’t dwell on the past, you’ve got to work to make the future happen for yourself, because what other choice do you have? Don’t poor people have the best perspective on life?

Kirsten drives to the Newport Trailer Park (which is really nice, by the way) and accepts Julie’s apology. They decide to go into business together after all. Between Julie’s street smarts and Kirsten’s brainpower, it’s sure to be a success, just like when they ran that “Newport Living” Magazine last year!

Marissa goes to Ryan’s too and they discuss Johnny. Ryan blames himself for the accident. But Marissa says that Johnny helped her realize that shit happens and she needs to move on. Paul Glass overhears everything and is impressed enough to say they should both apply to Berkeley. So all’s well that ends well! Ryan picked a college, Marissa gets over her writer’s block, Summer and Seth will live in Providence…oh, Johnny’s still in the hospital. Most is well that ends well.

Next week: Will Johnny walk again?

The OC: The Anger Management (episode 7)

Previously on the OC--
Ryan beats the surfer dude! Kirsten throws a party with Julie’s help, but it’s a scam put together with Charlotte. Taylor T. locks Summer out of the lockout.

Seth, Summer, Ryan, Marrisa. nondescrept diner, talking about some hipster movie Seth likes. Surfer dude—his name’s Volchok—comes in and wants a rematch with our Chino boy. How he tracked Ryan down, we’ll never know, but more funny is that Ryan is zen and says “I don’t want trouble” and “I have nothing against you.” Marissa whines, “Volchok, you started it!” and Seth agrees. After getting a death glance from the surfer guy, Seth’s answer turns from “you started it” to “it's all unnecessary continuity.” Volchok The Angry Surfer leaves, but he still has a mad-on for Ryan.

It’s Sandy’s first day at the New Newport Group, while Kirsten is still organizing the rehab ball. There’s a nice bit of continuity when Kirsten debates whether or not to have booze at a rehab party. Kirsten decides on “yes” since the drunk donate more than the sober.

Ryan won’t fight Volchok The Angry Surfer, stating “Kid Chino has retired his hoodie.” Taylor wants Seth to help plan the Christmas party, but he tries to push Summer into helping her instead. Taylor gets annoyed and walks away when Summer shows up. Summer believes that Taylor has a thing for Seth.

Charlotte and Julie plan the party, but Julie starts having second thoughts of scamming everyone. Charlotte reassures Julie that they’ll make tons of cash and nobody will get hurt. This plan makes no sense. Won’t everyone know Julie was involved anyway? They’ll hate her even more. At this point she should just move to Portland with Luke and start over again.

Taylor latches onto Ryan at school to get the dirt on Summer and Seth’s relationship. Is it stable? Ryan says they are strong. On a scale of 1 to 10, they’re a 10. or maybe a 9? This gives Taylor hope she can split them up.

Newport Group: the company that wouldn’t die. Intros all around. After doing the books, new boy wonder Matt tells Sandy the bad news: they need to fire 9 people!

Ryan affirms Summer’s suspicion that Taylor likes Seth. Seth says “Ugh. Not only is she psycho, but she’s Dean Hess’ sloppy seconds.” On their way to the parking lot, Volchok The Angry Surfer & the gang interrupt Ryan. Actually, they’re having lunch on the top of Sandy’s range rover. I always thought surfer guys were supposed to be mellow?!?! Anyway Volchok The Angry Surfer tries to get Ryan riled up enough to fight by pouring juice on the hood of the rover. When that doesn’t work, he takes a key and scratches in the door the words “little bitch.” Shouldn’t it read “Li’l Bitch?” it’s cuter! Ryan shocks everyone by walking away! Wow, he is a little bitch!

Marissa hears the story and goes over to the pool house to see if Ryan is ok. But Ryan is fine, and shows Marissa his punching bag. Ooh Ryan, you nasty! No, actually it’s a real punching bag. It helps him get his anger out constructively.

Taylor goes over to Seth’s room to talk. Due to the complaints of last season, Taylor mentions that “your mom let me in.” See, now was that so hard? Taylor sits down. “I heard you and Summer are breaking up!” Seth is shocked. “Really?”
“No, I made it up. But how did you feel when you heard that? Relief?” but Seth doesn’t fall for it. The only season he loves is Summer! Speak of the devil, Summer calls and while he is on the phone, stuffs Captain Oats into her bag! She says a quick goodbye to Seth then runs out the door. Summer conveniently hears this and asks who the voice is. “Uh, I’m listening to ‘This American Life.’” Summer rolls her eyes. “Is that the show where all those hipster know-it-alls get together and talk about how fascinating ordinary people are? Omigod.”

Newport Group. Sandy manages to save four jobs at the N-Group by eliminating all the perks, 30 percent of his salary, and Seth’s college fund. I honestly wonder how the Cohens have the money for ANYTHING on this show. Kirsten’s dad went bankrupt and had no money, she quit the Newport Group when it folded the first time, and Sandy had his own unsuccessful law practice.

Through complicated means, Taylor lets Summer know that she borrowed Captain Oats from Seth while she was “in his room.” Summer realizes Taylor was the NPR voice, gets mad and slaps Seth for lying to her AND letting that skank borrow Captain Oats. So that’s when Seth realizes what a bitch Summer is and how Taylor is much, much better. He even kisses Taylor passionately. That wouldn't make sense to you either, would it? Well, neither does Taylor’s plan, so we’re even.

Kirsten and Sandy are enjoying Sunday afternoon until Sandy gets a call from Matt, boy wonder of the Newport Group. Turns out he fired 4 people that morning! Sandy is pissed until he tells Sandy that he’d rather be the bad guy since the others didn’t know him anyway and Sandy could cushion the blow. See, all 26 year old CFO’s aren’t bad guys!

Marissa is afraid Volchok The Angry Surfer will goad Ryan into fighting, so she offers him a $4,000 diamond watch (obviously bought during better times) to stay away. He asks her what he wants with it and she retorts “you can fence it.” Nice to know that Marissa believes that everyone who doesn’t live in Newport knows where to fence merchandise.

Sandy has a heart to heart with Ryan over the “little bitch” on his range rover and Volchok The Angry Surfer. They come up with a plan.

Finally, we get back to the rehab ball. Seth, Ryan, Johnny, Marissa, Summer, and Seth help set up for the party. Seth is still in the doghouse. Ryan and Johnny set up tables and bond. Johnny feels bad for getting Ryan involved in the fight. Ryan tells him not to worry about it, and says “It seems like I get into a fight every week.”

Julie has second thoughts about the charity scam, but Charlotte shuts her up by telling Julie she’ll call the police THEN skip town! Julie’s forced into it. It’s laid on super thick when Kirsten talks to Julie later about being “the best of friends…” and “…if dad could see us now…” and “…you’re not a gold digging whore…” so you KNOW Julie isn’t going through with the scam.

Taylor and her mom are at the rehab ball. Taylor gives Seth a present, in which Mother Townsend embarrasses Taylor even more. Taylor cries. Seth suddenly realizes that Taylor is just a lonely girl who doesn’t know how to relate to anyone. In short, she’s just like he was before Ryan got to town! Seth gives Taylor a pep talk and she feels better. Then he punches out Mother Townsend. No, he didn’t. But if he’s Taylor’s Ryan it would make sense.

Time to wrap this all up. Volchok The Angry Surfer kidnaps Marissa. Julie outmaneuvers Charlotte by making sure the rehab ball’s donations are donated to a national organization and not their private one. Julie also calls Charlotte’s bluff about calling the police. So Charlotte skips town with nothing but a kiss on the cheek from Julie. After all those months of manipulating Kirsten at the expensive rehab center, living in Newport, renting a beachside condo, running a fake charity…there’s got to be an easier way to scam people! I think mail fraud is easier.

Summer and Seth make up.

Ryan rescues Marissa by threatening Volchok The Angry Surfer for real with a broken bottle. To be fair, he throws Volchok The Angry Surfer a wooden plank so they can really get down. Volchok The Angry Surfer realizes that he hasn’t gotten mixed up with an OC prep boy, but with Chino McCrazy. So he takes off. Marissa is saved. Marissa and Ryan make out in the pool house. When she leaves, Ryan beats the hell out of his punching bag. Metaphor, anyone?

Next week: Where is everyone going to College? If you answered UC-OC, you may be wrong.