The OC: The Sister Act (episode 12)

Note: I just started a public speaking class (yay!) but it meets on Thursday nights (awww!) so for the next few weeks I'm only going to catch the last 30 minutes of the OC. So I will use my 20-plus years of TV-deductive watching skills to figure out what happened in the first 30 minutes. Should be a challenge.

This is the big episode where Marissa's little sister Kaitlin comes back from prep school on "break." I don't think they ever explained how penniless Julie is managing to keep her in private school. But I digress...Kaitlin goes to her old house which is occupied by strangers, and soon learns that the Cooper family lives in a trailer park. I think Veronica Townsend maneuvers a date out of Dr. Roberts by using the highly successful Julie-Kirsten Dating Service. They get along pretty well, since Taylor goes over to Summer's house, calling her "sister" and picks out a new bedroom. Over Summer's dead body! Though it's strange since Taylor's been nothing but nice to them (Marissa Cooper Graduates ring a bell?) and Seth and Summer alternate between being nice to her or complete jerks. This week it's jerks, so of course Summer starts scheming to break them up.

Apparently, some guy from prep school keeps stalking Kaitlin. Ryan buts in and finds out that Kaitlin stole 1500 bucks from him. He confronts Kaitlin, who says that it was for "a friend of hers who the random guy got pregnant and won't pay to...ahem...take care of it." Of course, Ryan hotfoots it over to Marissa and spills his guts. Marissa has the best line of the night, with "I don't know what's harder to believe. My sister stole that guy's money or that she did it to pay for someone else's abortion."

The sisters fight in the trailer. Kaitlin is mad at Marissa for forgetting about her for the past two years. Poor deluded Kaitlin. Everyone knows it's all about Marissa, and Marissa only. And she stole that money so she could come home and see how everyone was doing. Marissa admits she's been a crappy sister and they do make up.

Another launch party with the Julie-Kirsten Dating Service. Of course, The OC's elite eligibles and their children are in attendance. Dr. Roberts and Taylor's mom are acting all chummy. Julie is saddened by the whole affair. Seth comes to the rescue by whispering something to Taylor, who repeats it to her mom. Taylor's mom practically runs away from Dr. Roberts. Dr. Roberts, perplexed, and unable to be without a woman for five seconds, motions to Julie and asks her if she wants to get a drink. Summer is really excited, and asks what Seth said to Taylor's mom. He says, "I told her your dad has genital warts. Hey, 'he voted for John Kerry' was not going to work." Summer doesn't like social diseases, which prompts her to smack her boyfriend around a bit.

Ryan manages to get most of the money back from Kaitlin, and gives the guy back what he's owed. He's a bit shell shocked, and sad that he doesn't get to see Kaitlin one last time. According to him, that girl's "....amazing..."

Johnny shows up at the launch party (Elite eligibles, their kids, and the dregs of Newport. Great party). He apologizes for something. I guess he told Marissa to stay away from him in the first half hour. Because he's grown some balls which immediately shrank. Of course, Marissa accepts, and immediately asks him to take her sister home. Princess Marissa must always have her way. Dude, he just got there! He drives a bored Kaitlin home. But on the way, she demands he stop the car at the beach. Kaitlin's dress comes off and she dives into the water, leaving Johnny to gawk. Love triangle, perhaps?

Next week: Someone in The OC tries drugs!

The OC: The Safe Harbor (episode 11)

Previously on the OC: Stuff happened. Marissa was kicked out of school, yada yada yada.

The show begins with the gang of four drinking fake-mojitos (fauxhitos?) and lamenting that now that break is over, it's back to school. But alas! Marissa is stuck at Newport U. While they're at luxurious Harbor. Marissa conveniently runs to the restroom so the others can whine about Marissa not graduating with them. So from there is born a new cause: Operation: Free Marissa! Harbor students should feel enough time has passed so they don't feel their lives are in danger with Marissa stalking the halls.

The next day, Ryan goes to talk to Dr. Kim, who wasn't in favor of Marissa being kicked out anyway. But it's up to the school board to let Marissa back in school. Luckily, they're meeting this week! So she manages to feed Ryan some intel about looking at a file from the class of '96 for help Marissa's case. Conveniently, kids can't advocate at the meeting, which means that they'll have to have an adult do it for them. And that adult would be...

...Sandy. And of course, he's only too happy to help Marissa, despite being the CEO of a huge company that requires a LOT of attention. Sandy loves helping the underprivileged (or is that the OVERprivileged?) But the School board president doesn't like Sandy, because of some contempt shit Sandy pulled in his courtroom. Uphill battle, but Sandy feels confident.

At Newport Union, Johnny invites Marissa to some PacWest party, since he's been selected as an alternate on the surf squad and he wants to thank her for getting him the cash for the knee surgery. Hey, he should be inviting Ryan. After all, without Ryan he'd have robbed that convenience store of $100 and his pretty boy looks would be in the pokey. Operation, smoperation!

Then some boring stuff happens with Summer's dad and Julie Cooper. Yeah, like those two aren't going to be a couple soon! Oh yeah, some more stuff about Kirsten and Julie's dating business. I've seen them have meetings, but they don't do any business or have any clients. They do have a lot of lunch meetings. Well, it is a startup.

Meanwhile, Summer and Seth recruit Taylor T. to help Marissa's cause by sweet-talking her. But her other friends overhear this conversation (one girl is black--see, there are black people at Harbor!) and remind Taylor that her mom is the one that started the "get rid of Marissa" train to begin with. Won't her mom be upset? Answer: Hell yeah!

Marissa finds out that the school board meeting to decide if she can come back to Harbor is THE SAME NIGHT as Johnny's party! So she tells Johnny to take Chili instead, which bums him out. Wow, Marissa really likes wrapping the boys around her finger.

Taylor gets the entire school involved in the "Marissa Cooper Graduates" scheme--that is, until her mother comes to school and forces her to give up the campaign. By the way, Summer reads lips so well she can totally repeat the entire conversation, though Taylor and Mrs. Townsend are yards away. Long story short: No more "Marissa Cooper Graduates" or "Free Marissa"
T-shirts for the class of 2006.

Matt (remember him?) from Newport Group gets the firm's private detective to unearth some dirt on the judge for Sandy to use at the hearing.

Ryan goes to Cooper Union (I mean Newport Union!) for lunch and to bring her some "Free Marissa!" swag. In the middle of lunch, she gets a called from Chili, who wants to meet her, like NOW. Ryan is steamed and goes back to Harbor, where he has a heart to heart with Summer, who is plastering the school with Marissa posters. She calms Ryan down, and tells him "if he wants to punch someone, punch Taylor's mom. In the meantime, hand out these buttons."

Julie stops by Dr. Roberts to talk with Marissa, but ends up getting a drink with the good doctor. She's worried about paying the tuition at Harbor if Marissa gets back in. After all, Marissa still doesn't know about her trailer-living mom!

Marissa goes to Johnny's and his room is all torn up. Chili tells her the doctor won't sign off on Johnny's physical therapy, so he can't go on tour. Right then, Marissa decides not to go back to Harbor, since J's life has been totally ruined and he needs her at Newport U.

This upsets Seth, Summer, and Ryan. But they still go through with the plan. Seth tries to get some water polo jerks to sign the petition, but one snaps, "sign this!" and grabs his crotch. Seth mutters, "I'm not signing his genitals." So the plan is not going well without a taskmaster. But Summer has another great idea: Seth can do "whatever is necessary" to get Taylor T. back in the picture. That's it, Summer. Pimp out your boyfriend!

Meanwhile, Ryan goes to Johnny's house and outright blames J. for coercing Marissa into staying at Newport U. out of guilt. Johnny feels angry, yet still very guilty.

Seth propositions Taylor T. and she says, "the night would involve wax, tube socks, and a Fiona Apple CD" if it was for any other reason than Marissa coming back to school. But she won't budge. And if she does help, her mom will take away her college fund, and her car. Seth knows he's finished. But he does say "even if you don't help, don't end up like your mother."

Matt's private eye found some dirt about the judge's kid. He's a drug addict! Moral dilemma: will Sandy use this info to his advantage?

The meeting starts. Marissa is nowhere to be found! The three kids wait. Maybe she'll change her mind?

Marissa. Newport U. Chili approaches and delivers some good news: Johnny got a different doc to sign off on his physical therapy, meaning he can go on tour after all...and Chili is going too! Good news for all. Now Marissa has no reason to stay at Newport Union, so she flies off to that meeting. Chili's smile fades. Just then, Johnny steps out of the shadows, looking unhappy. Ooo, it was all a ruse to get Marissa to reveal her true feelings: she hates public school!

Marissa makes it to the hearing! Yay! Taylor has somehow come around behind her mom's back and has the entire school sign a petition to allow Marissa back. Wow, that was pretty fast work. Boy, her mom does not look happy! Ryan uses the "class of '96 maneuver" as evidence in favor of Marissa. After everybody speaks on Marissa's behalf, saying all these great things about her--how she walks on water, she only drinks fauxhitos, she doesn't overdose anymore and she only shoots people who really, REALLY deserve it, the judge relents. Especially after Sandy makes some veiled comments about "giving kids a second chance, especially if you have a son in trouble or on drugs and missing, or something like that."

Everything is tied up in a neat little bow: Julie finally comes clean about the trailer living, Sandy gives the judge information about where his drug addict son is, Ryan thanks Johnny for lying to Marissa, car-less Taylor gets a ride home, and Marissa gets back to Harbor just in time for Senior Class photo day.

Four Kings: I hate pilots!

Last Thursday I watched the pilot episode for the brand spanking new comedy on NBC called "Four Kings." I desperately wanted to like it since Seth Green is the "tiny angry guy." Verdict? Prognosis: Negative. The show was weighed down with too much clunky expository dialogue. Like "You know I've had an eating disorder since we were both in third grade" or " I haven't seen you since I dropped out of school to become a fire breather..." which never works. Plus, the guys as friends? Didn't buy it. No chemistry. They just couldn't deliver their lines without it sounding like...lines. The stoner guy wasn't even a caricature of a stoner. He even killed the line "Bros before hos." That should have been a slam dunk. But, I'll give the show another chance, since in my experience all shows go two ways: it could suck way WORSE than the pilot, or become a vast improvement. After all, the Alias pilot was like "Felicity joins the CIA" (thumbs down) but the week-to-week show was awesome. The pilot for "Yes Dear" was uproriously funny, but the show was terrible. Well, uproarious is the wrong word. I should have said "Also terrible." I'll try and think of some other show and get back to you. Or maybe I should avoid the pilot altogether and start with the second episode.